Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
