My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
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I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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