i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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