Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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