not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
