i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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