No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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