Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
