found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
