There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
