I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
