Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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