Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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