Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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