just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
