When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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