I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Randomize
