So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
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