and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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