My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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