the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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