Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
