Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
The feeling are messing with the penis
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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