Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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