My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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