Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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