I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
