Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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