He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
