why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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