"it" just moved
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
