and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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