just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
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