please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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