The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
