His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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