You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
