I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
