Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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