last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
