mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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