i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
