I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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