Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Randomize
