My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
