did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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