You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
