We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Randomize
