I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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