So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
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