Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.