So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
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He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
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sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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