first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Randomize