i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I will pee on everything he values.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
