We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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