Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
false alarm, still single
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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