So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
