I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
