I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
being pregnant is like rehab
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
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