rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Just pee around me
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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