Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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