My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
