that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Randomize
