I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
